knowing but still going

[Dr. Gonzo]

I've slept in a bed of memories
I've bathed in a collection of tears
I've witnessed death through family get-togethers and young teenage innocence
I've drove on roads where only true love can take you
I've dreamed through small window panes and labeled pills
I've drowned my future in beverages of obscurity
I've felt the flesh of friendship wither down
from the tall flower it used to be
I've lost my way because my previous life flatlined
I've become something that only death will define
and I know these terribles
will rustle my skin and disrupt my bloodflow

but I must keep breathing, waking and proceeding to find what I came here for...

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[Hannibal]

Hmmmm. good poem, but something just doesn't fit... maybe "fit" isn't the word... I just can't put my finger on it... it's good, but could use some revision.. I'm just not sure what could be revised as of yet..
I'll get back you on it..

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[ranter]

i think the main problem is you jump around too much between concrete and abstract images and you try to link these obscure words together and they are quite meshing probably (like what hannibal was saying)point in case: I've drowned my future in beverages of obscurity....that is very offcentered...you need to teach us how to read this with earlier passages in the poem...this line makes it impossibly hard for the reader to understand...it is too cryptic, which then makes us wonder about the other lines of the poem, are they supposed to be taken more metaphorically than they really are. clarify your diction. then we'll see where this is going.


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[Hannibal]

*claps*
Bravo!!
Ranter just figured out what I could not figure out.
Good constructive post Ranter. You hit the nail on the head.
So let's see what you can do with this Dr.Gonzo, maybe try a little revision?

------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy